The date had gone comically bad, even if I did manage to be not completely crazy for not completely the whole thing. But over time, after many failed attempts, I did learn to overcome my nearly crippling obsessive-compulsions on dates.
Scientific studies have shown, that the evolutionary consequences of love more than likely have a long-established biological process connected to it.
I’d taken myself out of the whole coupling game for five years. I thought I was a rapist, a murderer, an abomination before God. But, because I liked them, I also didn’t want always to avoid them. For example, could not invite people to hang out but we could hang out if they invited me.
“That’s the main part of your therapy.” “I just don’t know if that’s a nice reason to date someone.
It felt dishonest not to warn someone I liked that I used to obsess about rape and murder. But the psychiatrist had stressed that I should tell no one these things, especially not on a first date. I decided that the golden mean was to say everything else that was wrong with me. I’m 21 years old and I can’t even get through the first seven minutes of a date without completely ruining things and !
You’ll be happier for it.” I was genuinely excited when I came out of his office. But I figured it was actually the psychiatrist’s idea, and so I asked out Nadia, a girl I knew through a mutual friend. There was a part of me that felt guilty about being on a date at all. You’ve already fucked it up, so you might as well enjoy it.” I did enjoy it.
The study involved measuring Serotonin levels in the blood, of people suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder, which she expanded by adding people who were in love, since, it was reasoned, those individuals can be rather obsessive, as well. The team of researchers found 17 female, and 3 male volunteer students who had recently fallen in love, and obsessed about a new love, for at least four hours every day, but who had not yet consummated the relationship with sex.
I’m doing great.” Hanging out with people wasn’t great. “You have to date women,” the psychiatrist told me. Besides, part of what you want from a first date is to find out what’s wrong with the other person. On the other hand, I ought to be able to talk about my dreams and ambitions as well. So, in the seven minutes we had until the movie started, she learned that, “I like movies, and want to write screenplays and maybe act, I wet myself in class in the first grade, I pick my teeth and ears and sometimes let people walk all over me, I’m passive aggressive, I like James Joyce, I’m pretentious, I’m great at basketball, I’m clumsy and hopeless at practical things, but I was always in the gifted programs at school, I’m learning Latin because I think they should still teach it, I waste time on the internet looking up pictures of celebrities (not porn), and I’m not sure if I still believe in God so I feel hypocritical going to church though hypocrite’s the wrong word because that just means to claim righteousness when you are not yourself righteous and I know I’m not righteous I mean I’m very non judgmental I mean two people came out to me even and you can’t say that about many people from Langford and my voice goes too loud if I get excited and…” It goes on.
If she couldn’t put up with those little things then there’s no way she’d put up with the darker stuff.
It was not easy asking someone out, however, especially given my rule about never being alone with anyone if it were my idea. I salvaged enough self-respect to ask her on a second date.
I just couldn’t forget the darkness that was part of me.
_______ I never started dating until I was ordered to by a psychiatrist. If they invited me it was okay, so long as I repeated to myself, “You’re a good person.
I had a rather difficult case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It made me feel terrified that I might hurt people. If I invited them maybe I had some subconscious plan to hurt them.